Kevin Costner Was Killing It

Sometimes people kill it for a long period of time, and it’s wholly inconceivable that they would one day stop killing it. It’s a sad reality of the world we live in. Sustained ability to slay on the regular doesn’t come easy… and the descent from killing it, to manslaughtering it, to maiming it, to injuring it, is a long, arduous and extremely confronting journey.

"I used to fucking slay it"

Movies are great – because they stay around forever like luggage or herpes. They’re also a telling window into the bygone eras of humans once killing it who no longer kill it. You could say a lot of people fall into this boat, but none more so, than one of my favourites – Kevin Costner.

Man, I fucking love Kevin Costner movies. 80’s Costner. 90’s Costner. He went in. He went in hard. He made a 4.5 hour movie about wolves, and got his Oscar on. That’s killing it, of the highest degree.

Let’s look at some of Costner’s classics firstly.

Prince of Thieves – Enjoy this montage of Costner killing it set to Bryan Adams’ inimitable #1 smash, Everything I do, I do it for you. 

Field of Dreams – He builds a fucking baseball field and goes back in time… killing it.

"I brought Ray Liotta out of the corn!"

Bodyguard – saving Whitney Houston’s smacked out ass from death…

I think you’re getting the picture, and I didn’t even mess with JFK or the Untouchables.

And then… it all went away. Some blame Water World. Some blame the powers that be not exactly loving the lid being blown off the JFK face. I just blame the eternal cycle of killing it, which surrounds us and penetrates us. It binds the galaxy together.

Regardless of the reason, Costner has had scant few moments of amazingness since his killer 80’s / early 90’s run of insanity… aside from the incredible, For Love of the Game which is the movie of the decade, every decade. Here are some great moments of Costner killing it, just so we can all recognise how much of a GOAT he once was.

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Silvo Berlusconi is Killing It

Ahhh Italy. The land of pizza, fashion, FIAT and lurid staring men. Italy is one of my favourite places for all of these reasons, and also because it’s next to my second favourite country ever, Switzerland – the land of ballers and Nazi gold. So it stands to fairly decent reason, that Italians also kill it right (given that their country go in like a mug)? And by virtue of that logic, the elected leader of their country, should also kill it right? My mind’s eye is projecting a flow chart here…

"Sto ucciderlo? Certo!"

Well let’s break this down mathematically and scientifically. It’s inarguable, that if you’re a world leader, you’re already killing it. It’s also inarguable, that if you’re an ageing Italian billionaire, who runs the nation’s media, you’re #goinin about as hard as is humanly possible.

It’s also inarguable that if you own one of the world’s best football teams, you’re slaying shit like the eponymous metal band. Berlusconi does the whole damn thing!!!!!!!!!!!

He’s the Paul’s Warehouse of the world scene. Mother fucker, Does. It. All.

Silvio this week survived a no-confidence vote against him in the Italian Parliament; which would potentially have sent this machismo laden, burn machine into political exile – certainly not a favourable outcome for right wing lunatics nor fans of ageing lotharios running places.

(Note: it’s probably best to avoid his borderline paedophilic relationships with family friends, and callous attitudes towards womens when considering the killing it stakes. I can be glib, but I have some damn class, yahear?).

Fresh. To. Death

Some choice Berlo quotes? Sure.

 “As always, I work without interruption and if occasionally I happen to look a beautiful girl in the face, it’s better to like beautiful girls than to be gay,”

 “Mr Obama is young, handsome and suntanned”.

“Mussolini never killed anyone. Mussolini used to send people on vacation in internal exile.”

Advice to victims of the Aquila Earthquake? “They should see it like a weekend of camping.”

“An Aids patient asks his doctor whether the sand treatment prescribed him will do any good. ‘No’, the doctor replies, ‘but you will get accustomed to living under the earth”

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Lio Messi is killing it. Guest Post by Bongo 424

Sup sup?!? – followers of this blog may have noticed the diligent follower and all around nice guy, bongo424, bringing the lolz in the comment sections since the dawn of blog-time.

Interestingly, I actually caught up with Bongo on a wholly unexpected but highly enjoyable trip to the Big Merino this weekend past. Bongo incessantly puffed pharmaceutical grade ventolin as he opined liberally on a number of topics, but it was clear that his truest love was reservced for Barcelona footballer, Lionel Messi – a man we both agree is killing it.

As such, I invited Bongo to drop some knowledge on the subject… I will be responding in king shortly, with my take on why Cristiano Ronaldo, is killing it, but in the meantime – over to you Bongo424.

++++++++

Oh hi James. It’s Bongo424 here, and I’m really grateful you’ve let me write on your blog to talk about who I think is killing it. (Which is the Barcelona and Argentina star, Lionel Messi. And oh boy, is he absolutely braining it or what?! I’m going to really enjoy writing about him. He is a marvel!) But before I tee off (I plan to drive 400yds down the old thought-fairway on this theme James, LONG, STRAIGHT and THROUGH THE BALL), can I just say that you are really killing it James? Would you let me say that? I’ve been a long time reader and occasional commenter on this blog and wow! I mean, it is coming up on Killing-it-Ville at pace! My mate Terry – you know Terry, for sure? – well he knows lots of people on the internet and he says they are really starting to notice this blog. The wind’s picking up on the WorldWide. And I’m not the only one smelling ya man.
 
 
But my theme! I should probably get back to my theme. Hey James, what was that theme? Oh yes. Something or other along the lines of something like this: Lionel Messi And Why I Do Believe He Is Killing it, Particularly Vis-a-Vis That Other Goal-Scoring Latin Winger, Cristiano Ronaldo. What a wonderful opportunity to write about this theme I have here. What a wonderful opportunity for Bongo424. It is such a wonderful opportunity, and I am determined as all holy hell to make the most of it. I just wonder where to start…
 
Maybe lets start with this article from the grand ol’ girl of Iranian media, the Tehran Times.

I’m not completely completely au fait as to its sporting biases, but I don’t think the TT holds any strong Jones for the little Argentinian. So I think we’re safe in taking this article as FACT, not Catalan propaganda, and thus the first plank of ply in the building of my little house of argument. Lionel Messi. The best player in the world. His name’s Lionel. And he dedicates all his goals to his grandma.Now from what I understand, Lionel Messi has parents and he’s perfectly happy with them. So its not as if he was solely raised by his grandma and she’s all he knew of family. He’s got plenty of family. He got family coming out of his little dancin’ feet. He just likes to single out his grandma (RIP) whenever he scores a goal. Pretty nice? I think that’s pretty nice. He’s a pretty nice guy.

 
Which is why I hope things turn out well with his GF, and wife-to-be, Antonella. Here you can read about Antonella’s “simple and fresh look”.
 
 
And in Antonella, Lionel’s also found someone shorter than himself, which for a man who’s about 4ft3 underground is no small achievement. And she’s “humble” and she’s “quiet,” just like Lionel. You don’t hear a peep from Lionel. Really, once you think about it, there’s not gonna be much sound coming from the Lionel and Antonella house. Not unless their kids buck the family instinct for quietude. So they’d be excellent neighbours. And that might not be your first criteria for killing it, but with the population rising and our cities becoming that much more dense, maybe it should be. You can’t have a planet full of Latin footballers thumping Sash or Buena Vista Social Club at all hours. Lionel Messi: loves his dearly departed grannie and, when he settles down with his missus, an excellent neighbour. The man is killing it.
  
And I haven’t even talked about his hair yet. Tap “Lionel Messi Hair” into the interweb and the Google people take you to this website cataloguing baby photos of footballers.
 
 
And what you learn from these pics is that Lionel Messi’s hair has become more babyish, more my-mother-makes-me-wear-it-like-this-cos-she-regrets-the-fact-that-I’m-no-longer-her-little-boy, as he’s got older. Three-year old Lionel, he’s got the typical salad bowl over the cranium cut we all had at the age. Nothing wrong with that. Holy Communion Lionel, why, he’s practically a Mod, short on top and ears exposed to view. But sporting phenomenon Lionel? Man in the media Lionel? He’s a Sunday school dweeb. Maybe his grandma wanted him to keep it like that. Maybe Antonella likes the humility of the mid-length. But he’s the best footballer in the world and he insists on looking got like Mark Holden. Where I come from, that means killing it.
Boy I gotta thank you for this opportunity man. It has been a blast! Boy this has been fun! And I can’t wait to hear more from ya man. Tell me I’m wrong, tell me C-Ron is the business. And then I’ll hit ya back with more Leo. How ‘bout that?Bongo424, one internet handle who really loves a guest spot.

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Oprah is killing it

This is almost dumb to write, because she kills it so hard. I physically feel more stupid, for writing the bleatingly obvious words, Oprah is Killing it, because it’s wholly possible that in the Southside of Chicago c. 1950, Oprah Winfrey may actually have invented Killing It.

"I'm running shit mother fuckeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeers"

Oprah kills it ridonkulously hard on a daily basis. She basically just rocks up on TV and makes grown ppl lose their minds in either joy or sorrow, tells ppl which books to read and chills with celebrities – so casual. She’s not married, so you know she’s getting mad play internationally, because she’s rich as god, and she can do whatever she likes. She made an Hermes store in Paris open for her at like 11 at night, because she wanted to buy a scarf. That’s how Oprah do.

And now, she’s in Australia and she’s crushing it. Rolling around with 300 Americans getting her wildlife on, getting her tourist on, running shit – front page of the papers, national news TV etc – just for showing up.

Let’s take a quick look at Oprah killing it:

Watch Oprah send an audience out of their minds for 3 straight minutes.

Here’s Oprah getting the president elected – that’s whats up

And just cos I love the man, here’s an audience going nuts for Tom Cruise

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LeBron James is NOT Killing It

Around the middle of this year, I was very excited. There were a few reasons for this. I was killing it personally, professionally and metaphysically, for starters. But there was something more. I was excited by the prospect of basketball prodigy, LeBron James, leaving his Cleveland team in free agency and landing with my beloved New York Knickerbockers – the greatest franchise in professional sports.

You see, LeBron had all of the tools to kill it. Oh yes. He had the 6’9, 130kg frame. He had the speed of a gazelle, the skill of a mason and the court vision of a thousand hubble telescopes, pointed at the stars. But something happened. Amid all the hype of his free agency, LeBron neglected to shoot for immortality of the NY market, or even the loyalty of staying with his hometown Cleveland side.

He instead, acted like a bitch, a witch and a snitch, and joined the Miami Heat – hiding behind the considerable talents of two of his friends and opting for warmer climates, latin womens and Will Smith songs.

I was sitting at work when this happened. I slammed my hands on the keyboard and howled at the cubicle next to me. I spilt my cup of Earl Grey team onto my chest, and tore open my business shirt. I cried and I spat, and I incised a bunch of tiny cuts onto my arms to try and dull the mental anguish of the best player in basketball not only spurning my team and the team of his birth city, but spurning the once in a generation chance to become the best player of all time; something which would now surely not happen thanks to the cop out South Beach.

This however was a mild response – compared with the people of Cleveland. His #23 jersey was burned in the streets, effigies were defiled, and youtube viral videos were created in response to his Nike ads. All in all, Cleveland killed it on the killing it count, and LeBron killed it in the declining cult of personality count.

But how the gods smile on those of us who kill it. The Miami Heat experiment is burning out before it’s beginning and LeBron is crying like a tiny, 63 year old looking baby and trying to get his coach fired.

And the best part? With a sub-standard 10-9 record, the Miami Heat are now taking their satanic roadshow to Quicken Loans arena – the home of LeBron’s former team the Cavaliers.

What do the home fans have in store for us? The much maligned fans of the cursed franchise will be out in force to jeer at the jumping Judas and batter basketball’s Benedict Arnold with verbal and physical abuse.

It’s going to be great

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Leslie Nielsen: Forever Killing It

Sometimes things are too sad to make light of, and this is one of those moments. Leslie Nielsen delivered countless laughs, lines and love for Im Killing It over the duration of his career so it’s with a heavy heart that his death has compelled us commemorate his life when we’d much rather be waiting for Naked Gun 4 or Wrongfully Accused 2 to enter production.

Nielsen is face number one on my Mount Rushmore of comedic actors (alongside Chevy Chase, Steve Martin and James Carey) – his ability to turn a naff premise into a slide splitting piece of comedic brilliance, or take otherwise innocuous toilet humor and elevate it into an all time comedy moment was genuinely all time.

Incredibly, an entire Chillean newspaper dedicated their front page to him. In Chile, the Naked Gun is called ¿Y Dónde Está El Policía?

Instead of describing his gags and fine moments to you, it would be much more compelling to leverage the power of the internet to compile these tremendous moments for you below. RIP to one of the Greatest of All Time

Nielsen Killing It 1: I love LA

Nielsen Killing it 2: Lord of the Violin

Nielsen Killing it 3: Bingo

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Ukranian Parcours Dog is вбити його

That’s killing it in Ukranian for all you non-Ukranians reading this shit.

This one speaks for itself, and was shot to me by my boy Ennis Toupein.

It’s a dog, in the Ukraine doing parcours. It’s pretty much the most powerful animal alive.

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