The Royal Wedding is KILLING IT

Kate Middleton is pumped

I love the fucking monarchy. I don’t care about all the hippity hoopla surrounding the Republic debate or “what they actually do for us” – they’re our genetic and divine superiors, and they deserve all the shit that comes to them in this world as well as our ongoing eternal reverence.

As such, it’s absolutely natural that when the future King of this country and many others finally decides to slap a ring on the common finger of a common woman, I die.

It’s been a long time between cups of tea since the pomp, circumstance and bewilderingly opulent stylee of the British Royal Fucking Family has been unloaded onto an unsuspecting world, and it’s about damned time they showed us that the second tier Royals from second tier countries like “Sweden” or “Denmark” don’t have a clue when it comes to getting hitched.

Not only that, but there’s actually a chance you can attend this wedding – with Golden Tickets going out to members of the punting public who throw their name in the hat for attendance – eweeee.

The only question… can Kate Middleton and Wills kill it enough?

Royal Wedding Moment 1:

Oh, shit, look at how hard the Queen is goin in here. She has a veil made out of sparkling shit that would cover the entire St Paul’s Cathedral if need be. Likewise she’s marrying a Greek prince who turned out to be the greatest burn machine in human history (and most inappropriate), so this wedding is pretty damned good.

Royal Wedding Moment 2:

She puts the boys on rock, rock. She ends up a Jenny Craig spokesperson and tries to sell her connections to an undercover Arabian sheikh because she’s broke as furk. It doesn’t matter, people still love the REAL peoples’ Princess, Sarah Ferguson.

She’s the F to the E, R, G, the I, the E. And can’t no other lady put it down like me.

Royal Wedding Moment 3:

Protests? Any man who can do the below is a Prince in my book.


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