The Royal Wedding is KILLING IT

Kate Middleton is pumped

I love the fucking monarchy. I don’t care about all the hippity hoopla surrounding the Republic debate or “what they actually do for us” – they’re our genetic and divine superiors, and they deserve all the shit that comes to them in this world as well as our ongoing eternal reverence.

As such, it’s absolutely natural that when the future King of this country and many others finally decides to slap a ring on the common finger of a common woman, I die.

It’s been a long time between cups of tea since the pomp, circumstance and bewilderingly opulent stylee of the British Royal Fucking Family has been unloaded onto an unsuspecting world, and it’s about damned time they showed us that the second tier Royals from second tier countries like “Sweden” or “Denmark” don’t have a clue when it comes to getting hitched.

Not only that, but there’s actually a chance you can attend this wedding – with Golden Tickets going out to members of the punting public who throw their name in the hat for attendance – eweeee.

The only question… can Kate Middleton and Wills kill it enough?

Royal Wedding Moment 1:

Oh, shit, look at how hard the Queen is goin in here. She has a veil made out of sparkling shit that would cover the entire St Paul’s Cathedral if need be. Likewise she’s marrying a Greek prince who turned out to be the greatest burn machine in human history (and most inappropriate), so this wedding is pretty damned good.

Royal Wedding Moment 2:

She puts the boys on rock, rock. She ends up a Jenny Craig spokesperson and tries to sell her connections to an undercover Arabian sheikh because she’s broke as furk. It doesn’t matter, people still love the REAL peoples’ Princess, Sarah Ferguson.

She’s the F to the E, R, G, the I, the E. And can’t no other lady put it down like me.

Royal Wedding Moment 3:

Protests? Any man who can do the below is a Prince in my book.

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Back to killing it

Hey guys – what’s up? You know what happenned? I was killing it too hard IRL, and on Twitter, so I didn’t have the chance to kill it on the wordpress.

Your loss right? I know, it sucks, but here’s the silver lining… I get to post a whole bunch of ish that has been killing it the last few months and you can binge of the amazing delights – omnomnom. Plus, I have a renewed comittment to killing it… something which can’t be overstated.

Killing it catch-up #1 – Val Kilmer being fat, creepy and absolutely nothing like Batman

Killing it catch up #2 – Blake ‘Muffugn’ Griffin dunking a basketball multiple times very hard

Killing it catch up #3 – Nicholas Cage losing his shit for 4 consecutive minutes (HT: @antontrees)

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APRIL FOOLS DAY IS NOT KILLING IT

Ok, so no one can argue with a well executed April Fools Day prank involving David Beckham. It’s funny, it’s quite clever, and the sort of painfully self aware, cultivated yet everyman stick of the ABC which will be discussed at dinner tables across the North Shore and Eastern Suburbs while the rest of us are getting drunk in pubs and watching Rugby League.

 SO WHY IS APRIL FOOLS DAY NOT KILLING IT?

 It’s for the absolutely ridiculously retarded reactions of people to the jokes. Tell me that you didn’t get at least one of these responses today.

 “I heard that, didn’t fool me at all.”

 “Yeah, that was pretty funny – obvious though.”

 “OMG, did you believe that? Hahaha.”

 “Oh the Beckham thing, I didn’t fall for that, my mum totally thought it was real though – haha”

 Seriously guys – let’s acknowledge what you’re doing here – seriously break it down.

 1. Someone is telling a joke.

2. You get the joke.

3. Then you tell everyone how much you got the joke – repeatedly, loudly, ongoingly.

4. You’re so scared that people think that you didn’t get the joke, that you’re going to great, anti-social lengths to highlight how you, like the rest of us, were told a joke and got it.

Keep it up guys – seriously. We all love it.

Signed,

The World

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NCAA Men’s Basketball has come down with a severe case of KILLING IT

OMFG American sports are the best.  As much as I love the Australian codes, there is something about the pomp and circumstance of American spectacle which makes their sports assume another level of hype and excitement.  American men killing it, announcers killing it, cheerleaders, fans, ballers, soldiers – all killing it.

Ohio State's, Evan Turner - is a bad, bad man.

The pinnacle of this, is college sports – a system geared completely toward Cindarella stories, upsets and parochial Southerners going nuts about schools that are based near them, but they could never afford to go to. There is however a special level of killing reserved for the NCAA men’s basketball tournament (AKA March Madness) – a 64 team knockout which pits the best and rest against each other with the quest to become the national champion.

The best thing about this is that it’s a knockout. Whether you’ve won every game of the year or only just enough, one loss and you go home. You could have 5 bonafide NBA superstars, but out there, you could be out against slouchy white guys who get hot from three point range and that’s it, you’re going home.

This year’s NCAA Men’s has seen some of the biggest boilovers in recent history – where guys without big time careers ahead of them beat the big boys thanks to fluke, indifference or otherwise. Whatever it is, it’s amazingly amazing – none more so than number one seeded Kansas, 44.1% of American’s tip to win the entire 64 team tournament, losing to Northern Iowa… a nobody in the context of US basketball. Here is the game winner – the child of an Iranian Immigrant drains a three to clinch the win with 20 seconds left.

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Joseph Biden is Killing It

I like politics – it’s one of my favourite things. The reason why I like it principally is because it’s the smartest dudes raining burns on people like it’s going out of fashion.

Oh damn

This is why I love Joseph Robinette Biden – a man who loves burns, and a man who loves killing it more than any other Vice President since Gerald Ford.

In this video, Joe-Ro, as I call him shoots from the hip/podium and delivers crushing witticisms for 13minutes. Go on, go get your lunch, your little “sandwich” or “meal” and get a can of “soft drink”, plug in the head phones and watch the veep crush all opponents with his silver fox wit.

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Rugby League: you are definitely k_ll_ng _t

I think we can all agree what really killed it this weekend. The game of the genius, the brain child of Isaac Newton, Plato and Einstein combined started it’s season once again.

Perfected by Stephen Hawking with the implementation of the 40/20 theory, Rugby League as we know it was displaying it’s full genius infused thoroughbred pedigree this past Friday-Monday – setting us up for a season of big hits and even bigger men.

Lote Tu-killinginit

Rugby league is back – the greatest game of them all has finally ridden us of the tyranny of summer and given us a ‘raison de tuer-le‘ each weekend for the rest of the year.

So many sub plots – Carney, Lote, Souths losing and a controversial turn of events which resulted in a drug gang defeating a team of community activitsts – yet 30 more weeks of this invention to play out.

I turn it over to you now – who is going to kill it most this year?????

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Wayne Rooney is killing it

As we speak, the man is treating AC Milan, one of the proudest football clubs on the world like his personal ‘dial-a-gran’ service – scoring twice in the second leg of the UEFA Champions League round of 16.

Wayne has been around for a while; so we take his aesthetic for granted, but it bears dwelling on.

look at him… LOOK AT HIM!!!!!

He’s the most English man In the world. Give him a fake Gucci hat and a bum bag and put him in a high street and you’ve got yourself a civil disturbance misdemeanor.

He plays like a goddamned angel though, and I speak for the entire empire when I say we’ll be pleased to see this rough as guts notherner ruffle the feathers of the fancy continental types, snobby scandanavians and cheating South Americans.

Any proud, level headed human must agree.

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